The Bus Stops Here
by Frankie Alton
Summary: In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in the aftermath of nuclear war, in a desert filled with mutant vampires, one man's bus carries people to safety. Thanks to the heroic efforts of the Busman, people now stand a chance of making it to the city... if they can fight off the vampires along the way! (AU fic)
1. The Gnarly Adventures of Busman!

**Author's Notes**: This story is based off of an AU within the Simpsons world, "The Gnarly Adventures of Busman." This was a comic first proposed by Otto in the episode "Three Men and a Comic Book" and later Bongo Comics expanded the idea into an actual, one-shot comic.

The "Busman" comic tells the story of a post-apocalyptic world, devastated by nuclear war, in which the survivors of the war are now being hunted by hordes of mutant vampires. (Not your sparkly kinda vampires either, the mean, bite-y, bloodthirsty kind.) Otto stars in the comic as "The Busman" who drives people to safety in his trusty school bus while fighting vampires and listening to classic rock along the way.

This is rated "T" at this point, though it might change in the future. There will be mentions of drugs and alcohol use, some violence (You know, fighting vampires and such…) and some sexual innuendo/jokes (but I don't have any plans to write any actual sex scenes) So that's it as far as warnings.

Well, let's get on with the show! I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter One: The Gnarly Adventures of Busman!**

Desert stretched out to the horizon in every direction. Long, vast expanses of barren wasteland as far as the eye could see. There was little to break up the monotony of sand besides one long, straight road. The only route to the last vestiges of civilization was this one desert highway, and he knew it well. Day after day he drove this road, his bus carrying people to safety in the few cities that were free from vampires.

He used to dream of being a super hero when he was a kid, while reading comic books and listening to heavy metal music. But he had never imagined that day might actually come, or at least, something similar. Maybe he didn't necessarily have super powers, but he was damn good at fighting vampires, and because of his willingness to drive a bus through a dangerous wasteland there were quite a few people alive today that wouldn't have been otherwise.

He was born Otto Mann, but these days most people referred to him as Busman. He had gained quite a reputation for his reckless, yet successful, navigation through the desolate no-man's-land that had become the home of mutant vampires. The nuclear war had made most people's lives miserable, but it had made his strangely better. This was a much more awesome life than shuttling screaming kids to school and listening to his father the Admiral tell him how he had wasted his life.

No one would tell him that he was wasting his life _now_. The Busman was a hero, a legend even! And he had no shortage of people willing to come along for a ride.

He had picked up three passengers in the last city. The first was a spicy little lady who worked her charm- as well as few other assets- in order to survive. Her name was Ella, or Emma, or something like that, though Otto thought of her as the "Floozy." She had been run out of the last town when several of the women had found their husbands in rather compromising positions with her.

The second was the "Bounty Hunter." He was a gruff man, dressed in a blue denim shirt and cowboy hat, with a nasty scar along his right cheekbone. He tended to keep to himself, and wouldn't say who or what he was after, other than the fact that he had "business" in the next city.

The Bounty Hunter made Otto a little uncomfortable. Reminded him a little too much of a cop. He even wondered if he had been one before the war, though he wasn't about to ask. No one ever asked anybody about what they had been before the war. It was like that world had ceased to exist. They all were what they were now, and that's all that mattered.

The final passenger was the "Lush"- a large and disheveled man, who probably hadn't been sober since even before this whole vampire nonsense had begun. Most likely he didn't even know where this bus was headed, but Otto didn't mind. It wasn't his job to judge, just to drive. That's what made him the Busman.

It was getting late into the evening now, and sunset was less than an hour away. They'd need to get moving before the sun went down if there was any hope of evading the hordes of vampires that roamed the desert at night.

Otto hopped onto the bus, banging loudly on a surplus muffler that was occupying one of the seats. "Alright everyone, time to wakey wakey!"

The passengers sat up in their seats, all of them giving him cranky looks.

"Do you _have_ to be so loud about it?" muttered Edna Krabappel- or as Otto called her, the Floozy.

"Hey, lady, I'm just tryin' to give you a chance to do what you gotta do before we get moving."

The Bounty Hunter- formerly known as police officer Clancy Wiggum- was silent, merely giving Otto a scathing look as he made his way off the bus into the dilapidated supply outpost where they had spent the day. There wasn't much there, save for a few outhouses and a makeshift shower that used collected rainwater, but it was more luxury than he normally encountered.

Barney was a little more difficult to wake up, and it took a few firm nudges from Otto before he managed to snap out of his drunken stupor. "Ah… are we… there already…?" Barney stammered, before belching loudly.

"No way, dude! The city's still a few days away. Now go clean yourself up before we get moving for the night."

"Sure…" Barney slurred, hoisting himself up and stumbling down the aisle of the former school bus.

Once he had shooed the passengers off, he headed outside himself, to look over the engine before they got going for the night. He lit up a joint before he started his check. Nothing wrong with a little all-natural relaxation, he figured. With all the life-and-death struggles he faced on a daily basis, he needed _something _to calm his nerves.

After tinkering with the engine for a few minutes he decided everything looked to be in order before he slammed the hood shut. He looked up to see a figure approaching him, and he instinctively tensed, preparing himself for possible danger. However something about this form that was drawing nearer to him seemed decidedly non-threatening.

A moment later he realized it was a lady, and he began to be able to make out her features in the dim evening light. She was rather petite, with light brown hair, wearing a modest pink dress. She approached him cautiously.

"Excuse me but… are you the… Busman?" Her voice was shy and timid, but her eyes seemed full of hope. Otto glanced at the shiny crucifix hanging from her neck. Well that meant she was definitely _not_ a vampire.

"Yeah, that's me," Otto said proudly. He patted the hood of the decked out former school bus. "And this here's the ride that's gonna take you to freedom!" He made a motion with his hand that seemed more reminiscent of an airplane flying than a bus driving.

The lady smiled pleasantly. "I'm so glad to finally meet you. I've been trying to get to the city to reunite with my husband and sons for months now."

"Oh yeah?" Otto said, pausing to take a drag from his joint. "Well what're they doing there without you?"

She frowned, and backed away from the smoke almost as if she was scared of it. "We got separated several months ago. I told Ned to keep going and take the boys to safety if that happened. I was more worried for them than for myself."

Otto smiled at her. "You're one cool mama, lady. So what's your name?"

"Maude. Maude Flanders," she replied.

"Maude." He glanced at the cross hanging from her neck once again as it glinted in the red glow from the setting sun. "You some kinda missionary then?"

"I suppose you could say that."

"Ah, I see. Missionaries don't have much money…" he replied, hoping she'd catch his drift.

She bit her bottom lip a little. "I'm sure my husband will pay you nicely once we get to the city."

Otto nodded. He wasn't particularly concerned with money, but he _did_ need to eat. However he didn't mind extending a little credit in this situation- he couldn't imagine a nice Christian lady like her would lie to him.

"Well welcome to the magic school bus, Missionary Lady! Hop on board, cause as soon as the sun goes down, we gotta get rollin'!"

"Of course. Thank you so much!" she said gratefully, carrying her one small bag and her Bible as she stepped onto the bus. Otto followed quickly.

"Listen up dudes, we got a new passenger tonight. Her name's… uh… well you can call her the Missionary Lady. Now get situated and hold on tight!" He plopped down into the driver's seat and started the loud engine as Maude made her way to the back of the bus. She had just sat down when Otto took off in a hurry, the bus jerking as he revved the engine.

Edna looked Maude over disdainfully. "I suppose your name really isn't Missionary Lady, huh?"

"No, it's Maude," she replied with a friendly smile. "Maude Flanders."

"My name's Edna. What're you doing out in the desert? You look a little too clean cut for that lifestyle."

"I'm trying to reunite with my husband in the city," she said, trying to sound amicable.

"Husband, huh? Must be nice." Edna scoffed and took a drag from her cigarette. "I wonder how many other husbands are there, missing their wives…"

Maude scowled a little, quickly figuring out just what kind of woman her fellow passenger was. She bit back a retort, and instead decided it would be better just to keep to herself and read her Bible.

Edna watched her for a moment. "Is that a Bible? Please tell me you don't believe in that non-sense."

"In these dark times, our only hope is to place our trust in the Lord," Maude said sweetly, clutching her Bible to her chest.

"Oh brother," Edna muttered.

Wiggum grinned bitterly, and turned his head to look at the woman sitting behind him. "Trust me lady, the only thing the Good Book is good for at this point is knocking vampires over the head."

Edna laughed. "Good one, Bounty Hunter."

He shrugged and turned back around in his seat. Maude shook her head and went back to reading the scriptures, still content to place her hope in a higher power, despite the ridicule of the others.

"So when are you gonna tell us who you're after, Bounty Hunter?" Edna asked after several moments of silence, hoping to liven up the conversation a bit.

"It doesn't matter. Just trust me, he's a real sicko."

"Hmph," Edna replied. "I don't see any reason to be hunting humans, when there's plenty of vampires to kill."

"If you say so, ma'am." Wiggum tilted his head and looked out the window, hoping she got the clue that he wasn't interested in talking.

Edna rolled her eyes and slouched back in her seat. There was no need talking to Barney, he was already three sheets to the wind and the night had barely even begun. She resigned herself to yet another boring night, hoping that life would get more exciting when this bus finally reached the city.

* * *

Stay tuned very soon for Chapter Two, in which Otto picks up a few more passengers for his journey to the city!


	2. The New Dudes

**Chapter Two: The New Dudes**

He had been standing watch for over an hour now, while his partner tried to get a little bit of rest. He kept his gun ready, his eyes constantly scanning the horizon for any signs of vampires. It was a little difficult to focus with the crack in one of the lenses of his glasses, and it was starting to give him a slight headache. Still, he persisted in his watching, knowing that vigilance was essential to survival. This wasn't the life he had envisioned for himself, but it was what he had now, and he was going to make the most of it.

Waylon Smithers had just graduated from Stanford University with a degree in Business Management when the war started. His hopes of securing a respectable job at a major corporation had quickly gone out the window when he was drafted into the army, like most able bodied young men were at that time.

Fighting in the army would have been his last choice, if he had been given any say-so in the decision. He had actually been rather relieved when the U.S. government had collapsed, and the army had disbanded. He honestly felt safer on his own. He had seen too far too many of his brothers-in-arms sacrifice their lives in a battle that never seemed to gain any ground.

Once he was free to leave he had set out on his own, carrying as much weapons and ammunition as he could manage. Most of the country had been laid to waste, the result of years of war and numerous nuclear attacks. Even formerly fertile farmlands had now become desolate, barren desserts, which would have been difficult to survive even under ideal circumstances.

Still he had managed to make it several months on his own, by keeping a low profile and doing as little as possible to draw attention to himself. However, it was lonely lifestyle, and he found himself starting to give into depression and despair when he met the man would become his traveling companion and only friend- Montgomery Burns. The fact that Burns had managed to survive in such a hostile environment for so long, despite his advanced age, was a testament to the man's shrewdness and tenacity.

Smithers knew little of Burns' past, other than what vague information he had willingly volunteered. Though he was immensely curious to know more, he dare not press the other man too much. Burns didn't seem like the kind of man who was interested in personal conversation.

From what he had managed to gather, Burns was a wealthy man, or at least, he had been a wealthy man- back when such things still mattered. Even now, Burns radiated a sort of smug self-confidence, and an attitude that commanded respect. Smithers found himself strangely drawn to Burns, his own subservient nature meshing well with Burns' strong, authoritative personality. He liked to imagine that if things had worked out differently, if this damned war hadn't destroyed the country, that perhaps he could have worked for Burns in a different capacity. He would have liked that, though there was little time to dwell on what could have been.

The two of them had just spent another night evading hordes of vampires, until they found shelter in the bombed out remains of what was once a sleazy roadside motel. They had taken turns standing watch by the window, or rather, the hole in the wall that used to be covered in glass. Fortunately for them the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon, meaning that they could relax for now.

"Well, Smithers, it looks like we've survived another night." Burns grinned at him and pulled a flask from his long purple coat. "I think that deserves a little celebration." Smithers watched in amusement as the older man took a large swig of whiskey before handing the flask to him.

"I couldn't agree more, sir." Smithers took a gulp, the potent liquid burning his throat as he swallowed.

Burns pulled off his coat and folded it into a somewhat rectangular shape, using it as a makeshift pillow and he lay down on his back on the floor. "I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to sleeping during the day."

Smithers nodded in agreement as he leaned back against the wall. "Do you think it will be this way forever? I mean eventually all of the vampires will be killed off… and human civilization will begin to rebuild itself."

"Eventually?" Burns snorted. "I'll be long dead before _that_ day comes."

Smithers winced. "Please don't talk about being dead."

"Why not? I'm an old man. It's bound to happen sooner or later, vampires or not."

"I just can't stand the thought of it! You're the only friend I have in this world."

Burns turned his head and looked at his traveling companion curiously. "Is that so? I suppose I could say the same for you."

Smithers found himself smiling, a genuinely happy smile, for the first time probably since this whole mess had begun. "Really sir? It makes me so happy to hear you say that!" He realized he was practically gushing, and probably sounded ridiculous to the other man, but at the moment he really didn't care. It was just so nice to experience something that was even remotely akin to affection.

Burns didn't say anything. He simply turned his head so he was looking up at the ceiling again. After a few minutes of silence, Smithers found himself drifting off when he heard Burns speak softly. "I've been thinking, Waylon."

"About?" Smithers sat up a little to look at him, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Maybe we should head for a city."

"A city? Really? That sounds dangerous."

"Perhaps. But we can't survive much longer out here in the desert either. We haven't had a proper meal in weeks, and there's not much left to scavenge. I've heard there's a man who drives a bus once a week to the nearest vampire free city."

Smithers grinned. "I've heard of him too. I think he calls himself 'Busman'."

"How clever," Burns said dryly. "Well, I suppose tomorrow we can go looking for this 'Busman' and see what he has to offer."

"If you say so." Burns had never led him astray up until now, so he was more than willing to follow his lead if he thought this was a good idea.

A few minutes later Smithers closed his eyes when he heard Burns snoring softly, and allowed himself to finally drift off to sleep.

It was late afternoon before the two of them woke up. Smithers sat up and stretched, reaching instinctively for his glasses. He blinked a few times after he put them on, still not accustomed to the crack that obscured the vision in his left eye. "Monty?" he said softly.

Burns sat up and looked over at him, noticing how much the young man was squinting. "Maybe we can find you some new glasses once we get to the city."

"I hope so…" Smithers muttered as he strapped on his shoulder holster before putting on his black leather vest that concealed his weapon. "I think these glasses are giving me headaches."

"Well, I'm sure we'll figure something out soon enough." Burns yawned loudly and stretched, before pulling a comb from his bag and running it through his silky gray hair.

Smithers pulled a brush from his own bag and tried to do something with the unruly mess of curls on top of his head. He had never considered himself "girly" but he had always put a fair amount of work into his appearance- especially since his thick, curly hair required quite a bit of maintenance to keep it under control. He would have paid a lot of money for some conditioner right about now.

Once he was satisfied that he looked as good as he was going to, considering the circumstances, he looked up at Burns. "So we're gonna find the Busman today, then?"

"I think so. We'll need to head for our stash and get some gold."

"If what I hear about the Busman is true, he'd probably be swayed by other forms of payment," Smithers replied.

"Like what? Gold is the currency these days now that the government collapsed…

"He probably never cared about money even when it did matter," Smithers shrugged. "Just trust me."

* * *

Otto was so in the groove as he was driving that he nearly missed the two men standing by the side of the road at a bus stop. He screeched to a halt, looking them over cautiously before opening the door. "You two need a ride?"

"We'd like the head for the city, my good man," Burns replied smoothly, holding up a bag of gold coins. "I trust this will be sufficient?"

Otto rolled his eyes. This man was obviously some sorta suit in his former life. Well that certainly wasn't impressing anyone _now_. "I can't _eat_ money…" he said sarcastically.

Burns scowled, clearly not accustomed to someone who wasn't impressed with his elaborate displays of wealth. "Show him what else you brought," he said finally, giving Smithers an unhappy look.

Smithers simply grinned and held up the collection of classic rock CDs he'd brought with him.

"Whoaaa…" Otto said, his eyes wide with excitement. "Hendrix? Metallica? Well why didn't you _say_ so? Hop on in!"

"Hmph," Burns said as he boarded the bus. "I guess you feel pretty smart, huh, Waylon?"

Smithers shrugged. "I learned a thing or two in business school, I guess. Like knowing what's valuable to the person I'm negotiating with."

"Okay everyone, say hello to the new dudes!" Otto announced to the other passengers. "Looks like we're gonna be taking a big crew to the city this time around."

Edna smirked as she looked them over. "Are we sure we want them? That one in the purple coat kinda looks like a vampire…"

"If we were watching some cheesy 80's Dracula flick, maybe," Wiggum added wryly.

Smithers scowled as the other passengers on the bus snickered. "Really," he said indignantly. "That's some greeting."

"Oh lighten up," Burns teased, nudging Smithers in the ribs. "The lady's allowed to have a sense of humor. And besides, it's not like she's the first to accuse me of being a vampire." He grinned as he took a seat at the back of the bus.

Edna laughed. "I like _you_," she said to Burns. "At least one of you knows how to have fun."

Smithers rolled his eyes as he sat down next to Burns. He glanced over at Edna who was lighting a cigarette. The look on his face as he jealously watched her smoke must have been pretty pathetic, because she soon held her pack out toward him. "Want one?"

"Well… I… if you don't mind," he stuttered, smiling nervously as he took one. "Sorry about being in such a huff."

Edna shrugged and handed him her lighter. "No problem. I don't really expect everyone I meet to be a ray of sunshine, you know."

Smithers chuckled as he lit his cigarette. He took a long drag, thoroughly enjoying it. Smoking had always been a nervous habit of his, but cigarettes were hard to come by these days. "I owe you anything for this?" he asked after a moment.

"Nah," Edna said, as she took another drag. "Consider it a gift."

"That's quite a gift. From what I hear a pack of cigarettes has a pretty high going rate these days."

"Well, I have a way of providing for myself. I'm what you might call a… working girl…" She looked over Smithers and Burns appraisingly. "But I don't really suppose the two of you would be interested in the services I have to offer, would you?" She couldn't help but chuckle when Smithers' jaw dropped. "Don't worry dear, I don't have a problem with it. Besides, I'm sure I'll find lots of willing men in the next city."

Smithers just nodded dumbly, wondering if that's what everyone thought when they met him and Burns. He glanced over at his companion who was looking out the window at the setting sun, and seemed not to have heard the conversation. Or perhaps he had heard, but simply didn't care. Either way, Smithers was glad the topic seemed to have been dropped.

"Alright dudes! Time to get this party started!" Smithers watched as the Busman slipped one of the CD's he had given him into the stereo system before revving the engine and taking off. Soon the sound of Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" was playing through the speakers.

Burns scoffed. "Is this what passes as music these days?"

Smithers laughed. "No sir. This is what passed as music twenty five years ago."

"Hmph," was all Burns said in response, turning to look out the window again. He hoped that deciding to make this trip to the city wasn't going to turn out to be a huge mistake.

* * *

Author's Note: Well, the gang's all here! Up next they continue their journey to the city!


End file.
